How to end a virtual affair? Is virtual romance dangerous?

Nowadays, the concept of “virtual romance” most often means virtual sex. And the whole point is that with the development of modern Internet technologies, people have become lazy and do not want to show signs of attention in real life, look after each other and give gifts to the person they like, and generally take responsibility for love relationships. Simply put, today many people simply do not need any of the above. But the virtual romance itself, according to users of Internet resources, does not obligate anyone to anything, and there is no need to bear any responsibility for the partner. In a word, you can start such novels whenever you want, with whomever you want and in unlimited quantities. But be that as it may, even in the virtual world a person can be in danger. Therefore, it would not be amiss to ask yourself whether a virtual romance is dangerous and to understand for yourself that such Internet romances are associated not only with the risk of simply ending up in an absurd situation, but also with the unfortunate probability of causing harm to your psychological state and reason. Remember that any arrogant and thoughtless interference in personal life on sites for dating and communication can sometimes leave an incurable mark on the soul of the “victim” of the participant in such an affair.

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Photo gallery: Is virtual romance dangerous?

The dangers of relationships over the Internet.

As we said above, often a romance through the global network carries a sexual meaning. And what’s most interesting is that the number of people who are supporters of such “long-distance relationships” is growing every year. In a word, the number of virtual novels is growing exponentially, and at the same time, the participants in these relationships can be people of different age categories, status, and so on. All of them are firmly convinced of the convenience of such connections, they say, why go somewhere, search or wait? And such novels are completely confidential and do not require unnecessary echoes. There are only two people who are connected by a computer monitor and the World Wide Web. By the way, no one will know about virtual infidelity, even if you have a real life partner. Why isn’t this a compelling indicator for you to throw yourself headlong into such a casual “love adventure”? Well, few people have thought about whether virtual novels are dangerous. Whatever you say, such a harmless, at first glance, flirting or romance can also have negative consequences.

Despite the simplicity of virtual relationships, psychologists argue that virtual romance (including virtual sex) is not at all as harmless as many of us think. And even more, it is dangerous for humans. This danger can especially greatly affect people with an unstable psyche, who cannot arrange their personal lives and who become strongly attached to their virtual partner. In this case, the result may include various mental disorders, including the development of obsession and even schizophrenia.

According to the same psychologists, addiction to a virtual novel is often no less dangerous than, for example, gambling addiction, shopaholism, workaholism, smoking, and so on. By the way, this Internet addiction is very difficult to get rid of.

Loss of communication skills.

If a person who does not have a permanent partner in real life prefers virtual relationships, this does not mean that such flirting is not dangerous for him. Sometimes such an affair can become a stumbling block on the path to creating a real relationship. This is primarily due to the fact that the virtual partner often appears to his interlocutor as an ideal. That’s why a person begins to believe in the uniqueness of the one who is “on the other side of the monitor” and no longer wants to change anything. In addition, if a girl or guy is constantly “hanging out” on the Internet, their chances of finding a real partner are significantly reduced. And the skill of communicating with people “live” is significantly lost.

Virtual scammers.

An online romance is also dangerous because a person who is looking for a virtual partner risks contacting someone who pretends to be someone else. For example, a man who is completely unpleasant to you and whom you know can easily create a new account for himself and appear before you as a completely different and promising person. Accordingly, you fall for such a deception, but sooner or later you find out the whole truth. It’s good, of course, that you can stop communicating with this person, but a broken state of mind does not go away immediately.

This also includes the so-called marriage swindlers. But this, of course, is the case if you expect that your virtual romance will continue in real life. The scheme of work of such swindlers is very simple and has its own patterns: a pleasant man in communication interests several ladies, bewitching them with personal messages, for example, in ICQ, winning their complete trust. After a while, the internet romance he skillfully started turns into an offer to continue communication in real life. In this case, nothing can be alarming, because your romance has lasted for some time, so why not get to know each other better? Meanwhile, a charming man travels around the cities, visiting his virtual girlfriends and taking with him not only their hearts, but also their money.

A clever and cunning plan.

In the opposite case, virtual romance is also dangerous for men. For example, a man meets a woman, thanks to her skillful communication he becomes attached to her, and over time their relationship turns into an online romance and virtual sex and love. But when it comes to a real meeting, the woman agrees to everything, only for a fee. Accordingly, the man becomes her sponsor due to the fact that on a subconscious level he is already dependent on the lady.

By the way, this also includes virtual relationships with lovers of various sexual and psychological “experiences.” Such virtual partners quite consciously select a “victim” for themselves via the Internet and inflict psychological trauma on her, which is much more dangerous than an Internet scam. So remember, before starting such an affair, think carefully about it and check your new virtual partner in every possible way.

But, of course, not all Internet novels have a disastrous outcome, because each person has his own secret desires and fantasies, which he can realize only in the virtual world and thanks to this get the desired release. The main thing is to be attentive and get to know the person you are communicating with!

Virtual romance: simple rules

Many people spend much more time on the Internet than in reality, so online dating has become so popular. People for various reasons - some want to have fun, others to refresh their love emotions, others are looking for a life partner.

Naturally, acquaintance begins with correspondence, which gradually captivates absolutely all participants. The virtual interlocutor fills everything free time and space. Every new letter or message brings joy and releases the feeling of loneliness, even despite the lack of meetings and physical intimacy. Everything that is not visible, not heard and not tangible, a person is inclined to invent and fantasize. This becomes a kind of game that immerses you even more into the world of illusions and fantasies. At some point you become dependent on letters. And it doesn’t matter whether the online interlocutor is married, what social status he has,... If you are satisfied with the world of illusions, and you don’t need a real life partner, then you can endlessly continue this virtual romance. But if you want to meet true love and live happily with a real person, then there is one important point to consider - the partner’s willingness to meet offline.

But you have a different goal, right? If you happen to meet a pleasant person, a correspondence begins, and your imagination has already begun to draw pictures of a happy life together, then it’s time to find out about the plans of your virtual counterpart. And there is no need to hesitate. Usually people are afraid to ask questions, the answer to which they may not like or upset. But you still need to ask them. It is better to know the truth than to indulge yourself with illusions and invent something that does not exist. If the interlocutor cannot answer the direct question: “Are you going to meet me?”/“When can you meet?” - this means he didn’t even think about this topic, and accordingly had no intention of transferring communication into reality. Draw conclusions. Yes, you may lose communication, which at some point became the meaning of life for you and gave you hope. But, think about it, why reassure yourself and deceive yourself? You want happiness for yourself and, if not a family, then at least a real romantic relationship with a close and pleasant person. Therefore, you should not delay with direct and inconvenient questions, and any unpromising correspondence should be stopped so as not to waste time.

Lastly, always keep the end goal in mind. Before you write another letter, ask yourself a question: why are you corresponding with this man? After all, for the majority, this whole epic with a virtual romance was started in order to find a worthy husband. This means that the main task is to obtain as much information as possible about a potential candidate, which will allow you to understand whether this is your option or not. Do not think that correspondence must be absolutely practical and rational. There must be a lot of romance in it. But along with in beautiful words It's still worth asking practical questions, too.

Ecology of consciousness. Psychology: The development of social networks and instant messengers literally violated the laws by which we lived for centuries, and, at the same time, did not provide any sane and adequate ways to neutralize these destructions. Over the course of a couple of decades, the Internet space has become even more “real” than real life.

More 20-30 years ago there was no such thing as a “virtual novel”. Love relationships developed according to certain laws, each of the participants in the process knew and understood what exactly he needed to do in order to make a date, or go to the cinema, or have a wedding. Each of the participants knew and understood that without the contribution of personal strength, time, and the renunciation of some of their interests, the relationship would not take place.

Investment in relationships

A basic search for a pay phone to call a girl, buying flowers, going to the cinema became an indispensable attribute of a love relationship. In the very contribution to the relationship. Energy contribution.

Moreover this contribution had to be made on a regular basis, which served as some proof of the seriousness of intentions. That's why even the question “How are you?” had a certain “weight” and was not perceived as banality.

The Internet, coupled with the development of social networks and instant messaging services, has made its own adjustments to the development of interpersonal communication and the energy laws of relationships.

And people were not ready for such a communications infrastructure. The development of social networks and instant messengers literally violated the laws by which we lived for centuries, and, at the same time, did not provide any sane and adequate ways to neutralize these destructions.

Over the course of a couple of decades, the Internet space has become even more “real” than real life.

Through the Internet, you can completely change a person’s personality, you can cripple him morally, you can inflict severe psychological trauma on him, you can provoke suicide, or self-destruction on a physical level.

And it’s even easier to do this via the Internet, and not only because of weak legislation, but also because of the imaginary anonymity, because of impunity, because of the feeling that you can “delete your account” at any time and disappear into space and time.

If earlier there were clear criteria for “entry” and “exit” from a relationship, as well as clear criteria for being in a relationship, along the lines of “if we meet, then we meet, if we don’t meet, then we don’t meet,” then With the advent of the Internet, some kind of ugly pattern of “love” relationships began to form. And this scheme is like a virus that spoils the correct “picture”, corrects the software andeven gets into the firmware , trying to change this firmware for yourself.

With the advent of the Internet, relationships can be “done” without leaving the couch. One sent a “like” or an emoticon, and the other thought that he had to “run around, look for his phone,” that he wasted time or sacrificed some of his interests for his sake. Inertia of thinking plays a cruel joke here for all participants in the process.

One received emoticon or “like” is enough, and now the person does not understand whether the relationship is over or not. His fantasy turns on, which quickly creates a very dangerous illusion: well, since they sent me a smiley face, it means they remember, think, love, don’t want to lose, that is, the relationship continues.

And, of course, they prefer not to think that sending a “like” or an emoticon is not the same as looking for a pay phone in the pouring rain, or writing a letter with a pen on paper, and then sending it and waiting for an answer. “Like” does not require the same amount of energy, “like” can be sent to 20 contacts, “like” is just a mouse click.

And it’s easier to click a mouse than to resolve real problems and inconsistencies in relationships.

At the same time, a “sign of attention” in the form of a “like” or an SMS with “hello” is perceived as something for which you suddenly feel “obligated.” Because of the same inert thinking.

On the one hand, the Internet has provided opportunities to “find your other half” even on the other side of the world, on the other hand, the Internet has imposed a very serious concept on the energetic process of love relationships. And, as you know,a concept imposed on a process destroys that process.

What means - imposed the concept? This means that now a person only needs to exit the Internet, leaving the message unanswered, and this immediately causes a “distortion” in the structure of the relationship.

Or postpone replying to a message until “after lunch” so that you have time to think and evaluate options further development events. Or make a “non-subscriber” at the right time. To collect my thoughts, for example. The Internet makes it possible to “go offline” at the right time, not meet physically, sort things out at a distance, and say what you wouldn’t dare say in person.

And also The Internet has given rise to such a form of relationship as “virtual romance”. I would like to dwell on this in more detail.

Reasons why people engage in “virtual romance”:

1. Low entry threshold.

It is enough to register on a dating site, post a couple of photos, give a short description of yourself and your interests, and messages from the “interested” public immediately begin to arrive.

The mechanism for the emergence of illusions immediately turns on; the person does not seem to want, but cannot resist the feeling of demand, need, interest in his person.

As a rule, at the initial stage, quite adequate messages come from the other end, people are interested, and it seems that “this is happiness.” It is enough to communicate a little, refuse the most inadequate ones, then settle on one or two applicants and “life is good.”

You don’t need to make an effort, you don’t need to spend extra effort on your appearance, you don’t have to be able to communicate live, somewhere you can lie to yourself, and if something happens, delete your account.

2. Inability to find a partner in real life.

This reason includes a whole layer of problems that in real life prevent a person from finding a real partner.

I will name the largest of them:

A trail of misfortune.

There are people who literally “smell” of unhappiness. They can be well educated, they can look good, they can communicate well, they can engage in self-development.

But I want to stay away from them.

This is an unconscious desire that cannot be explained on a rational level, but the trail of misfortune is very clearly felt at the subconscious level. And this feeling turns into a rational desire to run away from such people as quickly as possible so that they do not “infect” you.

More likely,the trail of unhappiness is carried by people who are dissatisfied inside.

They are dissatisfied with almost everyone, from the president of the country to the parents who “didn’t do enough.” Such people are very tense, and their main message is a complaint.

Complaints about the world, about justice and injustice, about laws, about people, about weather and nature, about anything.

Their attention, their energy is aimed at searching for evidence of their inner pain, and they always find confirmation of this pain. Constant tension is “read” by other people and is perceived as something that threatens the integrity of the body and personality. A tense person is inharmonious,

it feels like one that brings chaos and aggression. A person with a trail of misfortune is strongly connected with a large number of “lower connections”; he is skewed into constant negativity, into destruction and de-evolution.

In the virtual world, this can be camouflaged and only show what they want to see. In the virtual world, you can “force” yourself to be positive and not complain about the world. At least for the duration of communication.

Energy exhaustion.

Such exhaustion occurs due to the fact that a person stops receiving energy from things, activities, and relationships. If in a normal state a person receives energy from work, from creativity, from hobbies, from healthy relationships, then in a state of energy exhaustion a person cannot do this.

Energy hunger begins. And since a person is hungry, he looks for an available source of energy.

Virtual novels look like quite accessible sources of energy. Another question is that in a state of energy depletion, a person does not control the intake and expenditure of energy, which, in general, is natural.

In this state (caused by various reasons), personality deformations begin to occur very quickly, and the most common deformation is addiction.

Addiction (dependence) arises very quickly after the start of a virtual romance, and is perceived by the individual even more difficult, as if it were a relationship in real life.

If in reality you can “rely” on some physical defects (negligence, untidiness, obesity, banal bad breath), on rejection of behavior (obscenity, loudness, “giving up”), on the banal “I didn’t like it”, then in In a virtual novel, it’s quite difficult to find such “crutches.”

And from this dependence crosses the very line beyond which reforging and erasure of personality begin. The virtual romance begins to manage the relationship, not the person.

Energy hole.

Energy hole and energyethical exhaustion are slightly different things. Energy exhaustion can be caused by reasons that are not related to love relationships. For example, work is so exhausting that you can barely crawl to bed, and at the same time you still need to spend a lot of energy on adjustments, on persuading yourself that this work is needed “for the money.” Either relatives are sick for a long time and need to be cared for, or your own illnesses lead to moral and physical exhaustion.

And a person, even with energy exhaustion, can be quite an interesting person, as they say, if they give free rein.

And herea person with an energy hole is a person who is not interested in himself.

Such a person secretly expects someone to come and make him happy. A person cannot make himself happy, or at least not dissatisfied.

As a rule, a person with a “hole” has inadequate self-esteem, rather in the direction of overestimation. He believes that he is a value in himself, regardless of what he knows/can/can and what benefit he can give to another.

A person with a “hole” most often has a “sex only” relationship or is in a marriage from which he is afraid to leave.

Such people inadequately perceive reality and themselves in it.

They talk about the fact that they live with hopes, plans, somehow act with the goal of being in a couple, that their life is aimed at this, that they are ready to do this and that, just not to be alone. Or they say that they live for the sake of their children and husband, and are ready to do everything to save the family.

In fact, they do only one thing - they beg for another person to sacrifice himself to fill their inner hole.

But in the virtual world they have violent passions, they have years of correspondence, they are repressed, and demonstrate qualities that are not characteristic of them. And again, wildly inadequate. Because all these years of correspondence, as a rule, happen without a single step from the other side. Or almost none.

Not a virtual step in the form of another emoticon, but a normal step in the form of an offer to live together and start a family.

But a person will never admit to himself or others that someone else is not taking a step in his direction. What the other one has fun this way , or satisfies some other needs. But he can’t entertain the idea of ​​starting a family with them.

If you look closely, you will see that a person can only hang out in virtual novels when he is afraid to demonstrate his “hole” in energy.

It is much easier to close the browser, citing a power outage, than to find how and what to fill yourself with.

3. Inadequate self-esteem

Still, I will highlight this reason as a separate paragraph.

Usually people who are not in demand by the opposite sex talk about themselves as a person who has low self-esteem. Although in fact such people have inflated self-esteem. And this is expressed in the fact that a person who is unclaimed by the opposite sex actively acts in the direction of displacing the traumatic factor.

A person turns 180 degrees the true reasons for this lack of demand. He says: “I don’t like anyone,” “I can’t meet a person who will interest me in real life.”

Instead of honestly admit to yourself that they “don’t want” him,a person begins to believe that HE doesn’t want anyone, that HE doesn't like anyone. That he is smart, and sociable, and non-conflict, and this and that, but he cannot find someone he likes.

And here it would be useful to ask yourself the question: “does anyone like me?” Or is it just an illusion that everyone wants me, but I don’t?” But, for obvious reasons, no one even comes close to asking themselves such questions.

People lie to themselves that if they just find someone they like, then he will like them just as much.

Therefore, they go to the Internet to create for themselves the complete feeling that “I am in a relationship.”

Virtual novels become a way for such people not to “see reality.” It is known that the Internet is full of idiots and preoccupied people. And to find a “normal” person there, you need to sift through so much “rock”.

And when they find it, it turns out that the person is married, has a family, or lives far away. And here comes the inadequate one again. Like, if I wanted, he would move, but I don’t want to. If I wanted to, I would destroy the family, but I don't want to. If I wanted, then everything would have happened a long time ago. But I do not want.

And again asking yourself whether it is I who “don’t want” or “they don’t want me” is painful and very sensitive.

At the same time, self-esteem creeps towards overestimation, the sense of self-importance inflates before our eyes. Does everyone see how noble I am, that I could, but don’t want to?

The person really does not understand what is happening. He is sure that the relationship depends only on his desire.

He perceives himself as a kind of arbiter of destinies, a person who knows everything for others.

“I gave him less than he wanted (and how much did he want, did he tell you?), but he perceived it as a game and became even more incensed from it (riali? can you read minds? why is there such a conclusion that he was inflamed? )"

“I'm doing everything I can to be together. We spent holidays together several times. But there was no talk about a future together. But I live with the thought that after a while he will get used to it and we will unite. (Yes, the world is obliged to obey the invented scenario, isn’t it? Isn’t that what you want?)”

A person with inadequate self-esteem thinks that he is not worthy of attention or communication, that he is not liked because he is too... Too shy, too introverted, too smart, too ugly, too tall/short/fat/thin.

Although crowds of people walk the streets who surpass him in this “too much”, but for some reason they have a relationship.

Inadequate self-esteem also siphons from all the cracks, like an energy hole, like energy exhaustion or a train of misfortune. Therefore, a virtual novel is a way out.

Of course, you can find several more reasons why people go into virtual relationships, and many who have gone through this will not find in their history the reasons that I described above.

They will cite circumstances, boredom, bad relationships with their current partner, which push them to have a virtual affair with someone else. Freedom of choice, the opportunity to start a relationship with a person from another country, and so on...

But, whatever the reasons for the virtual romance, its presence speaks of one thing - the inability of a person to have a real relationship with a real partner who physically comes and does not send a virtual “like”.

There are also “semi-finished products” of virtual relationships, when there is active correspondence through a social network, and rare real meetings. But we’ll talk about this, as well as about the development of virtual romances, the stages and ways to get out of virtual relationships next time.published . If you have any questions about this topic, ask them to the experts and readers of our project

- He's cheating on me!

- Why You so decided?

— I saw the correspondence on ICQ...

— Are you sure that all this takes place in reality, and not just online?

- What difference does it make to me!? He's having an affair!!!

It is no secret that a separate concept has long existed - Internet culture. There are special forms of communication, slang, specific humor, and programs and resources designed for this. Some people think that all this is unnatural - surrogate friendship, virtual tea drinking and emotions demonstrated in the form of standard “emoticons”. But it's not that simple. Digging deeper, you find out that this phenomenon has reasons.

Features of the novel online

When a virtual romance became the focus of the consultation, I always asked the question: “did you want/were you ready to meet your virtual partner in reality?” And most often I heard “no”. I repeat, we are not talking about those who use the network for real dating and is not limited in any way in their development, but about those whose personal lives are “settled” and who, nevertheless, are looking for acquaintances online. But it leaves them to live only in the virtual world.

Andrey, 37 years old, has been corresponding with a girl from another city for a year now. They communicate via ICQ, blogs, and email. One day my wife discovered a piece of this correspondence. According to her, all this was very reminiscent of their correspondence at the beginning of their acquaintance. She was truly offended. When she brought her husband with her to the consultation, he did not deny it. “Yes, I’m texting. And nothing more. And women read romance novels and sometimes imagine themselves in the place of the heroines. Moreover, with other men. And what? Ban this literature? What is the difference? We are not going to translate this into reality. Just like my wife – fantasies on the theme of romance novels.”

A strong argument, don't you think? During the consultation, we found out that for Andrey this is a kind of “psychotherapy”. In those difficult moments when he quarrels with his wife, he temporarily disappears from the “battlefield” to the computer. Half an hour of meaningless exchanges with a girl for whom he is just a pen pal (she also has a personal life), and quarrels with his wife cease to traumatize him so much. Moreover, refreshed by the approval of his virtual girlfriend, he is ready to approach his wife and ask for forgiveness. Or at least, thanks to correspondence and switching emotions, tactfully take a break in communication with your wife and not develop the quarrel further.

The purpose of virtual flirting

From a psychological point of view, this is a form role playing game,modeling. There is some part of a person that others do not want to see or notice. Or it is simply overshadowed by other qualities.

Let’s say that loved ones are accustomed to the fact that a person is cold. And even if over time he has developed the ability to express feelings, those around him sometimes simply refuse to notice it due to habit, a stereotype of human perception. And they don’t see that he has changed. He naturally seeks adequate resonance for these changes. And he finds that it is in front of a virtual interlocutor that he can fully reveal his new qualities. Another option: a person tries to become someone, something, to acquire some kind of status or quality. But those around him do not believe in him, the world around him does not seem to give him such an opportunity, it is as if a label has been hung on him. And then he appears to someone unfamiliar on the Internet exactly as he would like to see himself.

One of the very powerful laws of psychology is simple: if you model the desired situation in detail, with strong emotional involvement, then this technique can greatly increase the likelihood of its implementation.

The basis of many psychotechniques is precisely this technique. And the stronger it is, the more a real person reacts to your “picture”. In therapeutic groups, people help each other by acting out adequate resonance for the other. But not everyone has the opportunity or desire to attend groups. And intuitively a person searches for a way. And he finds it.

Finals

But the endings are different. Remember the movie "You've Got Mail?" Some situation, stress, quarrel, trauma can push a person to suddenly seek real contact with a virtual interlocutor. And this can give rise to a lot of consequences. From disappointment and rejection to sudden real love. Both can be fatal.

Galina, 27 years old, at 22 You got married and gave birth. After some time, she realized that her husband had not taken her seriously for a long time - he took care of the child, but somehow lived without much regard for her. Although I had no intention of changing anything. She didn’t intend to either - the child needs a father, there is no reason to get a divorce. But she began to look for emotional and even erotic contact online. It never occurred to her to have a real affair on the side - in her understanding, this meant putting the family at risk. She hoped that things would still get better. But she needed warmth. And the network became You on the move. The correspondence went well with a man who also had a family - that suited her. And then a blow happened - she finds out that her husband has another partner on his side for three years now. In a fit of despair, she tries to see her virtual friend. They start dating. But after some time, he makes it clear to her that she needs to put an end to this. Like, we've already gone too far. She resists - they understand each other so well on all levels, she is in love! And he still continues to play virtual therapy - for him all this was not and could not be serious. There is no point in talking about further events. I will only say one thing - it took a year and a half of regular classes just to somehow restore her mental balance. And the treatment continues to this day.

A person online is a living person. you are not communicating with a robot, and even if each of you plays some kind of therapeutic role, living online an unlived image of yourself, an unlived piece of life, helping another to do the same, you still should not forget: life is real and in it Anything can happen.

Who your virtual interlocutor becomes is up to you. If you are careful and tactful, if you clearly define boundaries and think not only about yourself, perhaps you will later thank him for his help. And if you get carried away and forget to think about him as a living person, then perhaps he will become a bitter disappointment and trauma for you.

And those who caught their husbands/wives engaged in virtual flirting should first think about what they don’t see in a loved one? What makes him live some kind of parallel life, why is he looking for a different perception of himself? And if you are sensitive to him, if you know how to react to his changes, then he will only communicate online. And don't flirt.