Hello Aizh, You are 16 years old and the middle of three children. Your phrase:
I miss pampering and attention. I feel like an unnecessary child
for me one of the key ones and here’s why:
Every person knows the world first of all, especially in the early period, through their parents. If parents are attentive and friendly to their child, then the child perceives the world as interesting and kind. But... if little attention is paid, and all communication is reduced to some short phrases and words, such as - "do it, bring it, why are you so unlucky, look at the other children..." and so on, then the child gets the impression that he is much worse than his other brothers and sisters and withdraws into himself with this erroneous conclusion.
Perhaps your parents themselves are not emotional people, perhaps they think that you are more independent, or they are completely immersed in their own problems. But... This doesn’t mean at all that they don’t love you! All parents They love their children, but not everyone knows how it is you need to express it correctly and in such a way that the child feels and senses it.
Due to lack of attention, you yourself have agreed that you are unworthy of her, hence such despondency and the perception of yourself as useless to anyone.
Now I’ll ask you a question - how do you feel about yourself? Do you love yourself? Are you interested in spending time with yourself - reading, watching educational films, doing some favorite pastime, getting involved in music, attending some sports clubs? Who or what is stopping you from pampering yourself?
Even ordinary ice cream, bought for yourself and eaten with great pleasure, is already a pleasant pampering of yourself and it can bring you positive emotions. The main thing is to notice these little things and tell yourself that I want to give you a gift and that I deserve it more than anyone, because I love myself, first of all. Rather, your answer will be - No
and it is the absence of interesting events or situations that makes you react so sharply to inattention from your family. Start filling yourself up and then your life will become for you, a very interesting journey, where every time you will learn something and experience something new, and this knowledge will help you figure it out in understanding yourself, the world around you and your place in this world.
As long as you are offended and wait for attention like alms, you will depend on other people, on their disposition towards you.
You've had enough already adult personality and you can already be independent and change your life in such a way that not you, but your family and friends will be drawn to you like a bright ray from which comes warmth, joy and light. Light your inner fire and then you will not need to look for this warmth and fire in other people, it will be enough in you. If you want to talk about this in more detail, come and let's talk)). Best wishes.
Bekezhanova Botagoz Iskrakyzy, psychologist of Astana
Good answer 3 Bad answer 3Question for a psychologist:
Good afternoon, I have been married for 7 years, my daughter is 4 years old. The relationship with her husband began to deteriorate thoroughly with the birth of her daughter. I went to live with my parents as soon as she was born, because... My husband had problems with work, and we were renting a house. After half a year, he came to live with us, I sent him to study courses so that there would be other options for changing jobs. After graduation, he got a job and my daughter and I moved to the city, and began to find fault with the quality of cleaning, cooking, and other things, although I did everything around the house. Scandals began out of nowhere. Although he did not help at home, nor with my daughter, we began to sleep separately immediately after her birth. Even before all this, he began to play “tanks”, it began to reach the point of absurdity, when his daughter wanted to play with him, he could not be distracted by her until his “battle” was over. Plus, we took out a mortgage, my parents helped us, I thought that with the purchase of his apartment, he would find something to do at home besides “tanks.” But that did not happen. I started having headaches and heart pain due to nervousness, and I started taking sedatives. Periodically after our conversations, he began to dose out his time on the computer, but it didn’t last long. My only joy at home was my child; when my husband came, scandals, reproaches, etc. began, I went crazy. My parents offered to take my daughter so that I could go to work, they thought that I had this condition because of maternity leave. I went to work, but nothing changed at home. I came home from work, cooked, cleaned, and he played. When I found a place for my daughter in the garden, I took her, but she was 8 months old. lived with my parents. Thoughts of getting a divorce constantly arose. But when he wasn’t sitting at his tanks, he behaved quite normally, although in fact, for the first three years of his daughter’s life, he practically did not participate in her upbringing. Then scandals of this kind began: I went shopping with a friend - this meant that I was wandering around in an unknown place, I listened to a bunch of nasty things about myself, and this despite the fact that my husband is the only man in my life. I had conversations with him, asked him to sit at the computer at a certain time, again it didn’t last long, scandals began that he felt like he was in prison. I chose a different position, stopped paying attention to him, he sits playing tanks, I am with my daughter, when my daughter is not there I go to my friends. Therefore, he started throwing scandals at me and yelling that he would divorce me, that I was again wandering around in an unknown place and so on, plus he began to say that he would sell the apartment and leave me and my daughter without housing. The daughter began to tell her grandparents that dad didn’t love mom, that he didn’t want to play with her. The last time I listened, agreed with the divorce, and with the apartment I decided to act according to the circumstances, it began to seem to me that my nerves and my daughter’s were more valuable. And you know, I felt better, I walked around for two days with a feeling of complete happiness from the thought that my daughter and I would be just the two of us, without constant nagging. But on the third day he began to cry and ask for forgiveness, saying that he would never leave my daughter and me without housing. I gave him a chance, but the tanks returned to our lives after a couple of weeks and have not left us. He does not pay attention to me and my daughter and believes that in order to fulfill my marital “duty” I must come to him myself. Although he systematically ruins my mood. The thought of being close to him makes me sick, our love turns into hatred, I don’t understand what I should save and whether it’s worth doing it at all. The man is 31 years old, he is unlikely to change, and I don’t need it at all anymore. I don't know how to start a conversation with him, because... I'm afraid of him; during scandals he has outbursts of rage. I know that I have to decide this myself - to live with the person I began to hate or end the whole relationship, but the help of a psychologist would be very useful to me. Thanks in advance for your answer.
Psychologist Marina Aleksandrovna Wildt answers the question.
Hello Julia!
Your situation is not a happy one. I really sympathize with you and hope my answer will alleviate your condition.
You write that the relationship began to seriously deteriorate with the birth of your daughter. This happens in couples, since your attention has largely gone to the newborn. You could no longer pay as much attention to your husband as before. Also, with the birth of a child, the mental and emotional background of a woman in most cases changes. This is new for men in a partner. For men, these changes are alien, although a sense of responsibility may awaken. Many men need to learn how to build a relationship with a child. Some people don't know how to handle a newborn. It's easier for women. They carry the child before birth and after his birth he does not appear before them as a complete stranger. It is best when a couple adjusts to a new situation during pregnancy. There is a lot of literature on this subject. But you can look for a conversation in a couple even after birth. Each partner can say what worries him, what he wants, and together we can find a compromise. Maybe then it will be easier for the young dad to tune in and better identify with his role as a dad.
Your husband's accusations of any kind of indecent behavior occur because he feels guilty in front of you and projects it onto you. But he can't help himself. Unfortunately, your husband will have a gaming addiction forever. BUT, you can live well with it by keeping it under control. First, your husband needs to understand his condition. No one can help him if he doesn't want it himself. At the next stage, he needs a good replacement for his gambling addiction stimulus. He can start playing sports regularly, for example. It is necessary that this new activity provides him with pleasure, and even better if it produces happiness hormones on the physical level. He needs to weigh the pros and cons of his playing condition even without playing. For example, a “pro” during games would be that he feels like a winner. The “against” here would be that he would lose his family. "Pro" without games means, for example, that he will live with his wife and daughter. The "con" would be that he would not have time just for himself when he is immersed in his world. To have time only for himself, he can go jogging, for example.
Talk to your husband. It won't work the first time and maybe the second time. Be patient. Explain to him without pretense that you care about him and do not want his gambling addiction to damage his life over time. Explain the signs of his addiction. Knowing that he could lose a lot, he holds on to his right to play. He also becomes irritable if something bothers him in this. Gaming addiction has the same nature of existence as alcohol or love addiction. Here the incentive is different everywhere. Your husband is addicted to games.
I understand that you have accumulated resentment. This is not surprising. Before you talk to your husband, please take some time for yourself and work on forgiving him.
I wish you good luck!
With faith in you and your personal happiness!
Sincerely, Marina Alexandrovna.
5 Rating 5.00 (2 Votes)
Adult daughters often live in conflict with their mother. Some of them do not hide this and speak about it directly, complaining to their friends. And some people prefer to remain silent and pretend that everything is fine in their relationship with their mother. But the fact remains a fact, and psychologists know this.
Adult daughters often live in conflict with their mother. Some of them do not hide this and speak about it directly, complaining to their friends. And some people prefer to remain silent and pretend that everything is fine in their relationship with their mother. But the fact remains a fact, and psychologists know this.
Letter without envelope
Yes, it happens that a mother irritates her daughter so much (as the daughters themselves say, “infuriates”) that her every word, every manifestation makes her nervous. The mother, as it were, becomes a lightning rod, the person who is to blame for all the troubles.
“Most likely, this situation stems from childhood: comments, advice that you don’t ask for, lack of common ground,” explains psychologist Irina Sitnikova. - You have already lost hope of clarifying something, changing, getting through, getting something other than advice: support, mother’s pride, praise, sympathy. When a situation like this hasn’t changed for years, it’s easier to step away and replace irritation with indifference. And everything would be fine, but the need to love our parents dies only with us, even if we think that this need has already been carefully buried by us. You should write a letter to your mother and say in it what you are unhappy with, what you would like to change and what you expect from your mother. You don’t need to give the letter to her, you need it, not her. We cannot do something to another person, but we can do something to ourselves, such as recognizing our need to love our parents.
And then try to feel gratitude and compassion for your mother - so that you can love her, but remember that she is not without flaws, but you will not have another mother. To be able to be angry at her, but remember that you are angry at the person you love who has done and is doing everything he can for you. And if she does something wrong, it’s because she doesn’t know how to love differently. Try to pay attention not to what your mother says, but to what she does for you. Remember that she is doing everything she can for you, she is trying. Try and feel gratitude for what she does for you.”
There is an expression: dissatisfaction with others is a projection of dissatisfaction with oneself. An adult daughter, like any person, may have different reasons for dissatisfaction: unsettlement at work, lack of money, lack of fulfillment in the profession, uncertainty of her position. But the main one is the relationship with a man.
If a daughter does not have a man, then she believes that her mother is indirectly to blame. If he exists, but the relationship with him is unstable and does not develop the way the young woman wants, then the blame is also shifted to the mother. If a daughter has a husband, then the mother will still be the lightning rod. After all, the daughter will not express to her husband everything that she thinks: she is afraid of conflict, afraid of ruining her relationship with him. And negative feelings accumulate, so she splashes out her dissatisfaction and irritation on her mother. Most often this happens unconsciously, without malicious intent. It’s just that a mother is a mother, she must understand, take everything upon herself and forgive. That's how she's supposed to do it.
“It’s a shame when children start making claims,” continues psychologist Irina Sitnikova. - We always do everything we can for them. So throw away your guilt. All the children of the world are unhappy with their parents; for all children, they are always to blame for everything. Apart from those whom their parents left in the care of the state, these children love their parents...
All children sooner or later begin to show signs of disappointment with their “ancestors.” This is normal, this is growing up, the process of separation is underway. If your daughter endlessly admires you, she will never risk tearing herself away from your skirt. Now she should have another object for idealization - a man.
So just be close to her. Let her even be disappointed in you. In response to her complaints, say that you may not be the best mother (and there are no ideal mothers), but you love her and do everything in your power for her.
Every mother doubts that she is a good mother, and this is precisely what allows her to be a good mother. And every mother experiences the process of separation as hard as the child, even if both sides do not show it. Let your daughter go, she will come back to you."
Don't grow old together
Are mothers always angels? Not always. Their most common mistake is to continue to consider their adult daughters as little girls and, in communicating with them, continue to play the role of a guardian-mentor: you said the wrong thing, did the wrong thing, do as I say! Constant advice and instructions. This drives my daughter crazy. She is an adult, she wants to decide everything herself, because this is her life. And here comes constant “correction” from the mother. Mom seems to think that her daughter is still not smart enough, quick-witted, or independent enough, so she needs to be taught, guided, and prompted all the time. The mother seems to be watching her daughter all the time, controlling her. Therefore, it is not surprising that adult daughters strive to protect their lives from their mother’s invasion.
But it can be worse. If a mother has a strong, domineering character, then sometimes she manages to break her daughter’s will and subjugate her to herself. She manipulates and blackmails her daughter. The subtext is: “if you leave me (come home late, wear the wrong skirt, get involved with the wrong guy), then I will die.” Perhaps the mother does not realize the full harmfulness of her actions, but this does not make it any easier. And if the mother manages to break her daughter’s will and she completely submits to her mother, to the point of putting an end to her personal life and staying with her mother, then they will grow old together. Have you ever seen this? Sad picture...
What should a mother do? Internally separate yourself from your daughter. Stop lecturing her, stop giving her advice and interfering in her life. The daughter is already an adult and now must build her own destiny, even if she makes mistakes. She needs to gain her own life experience; this is the only way she can become a mature woman.
“Surely your daughter also lacks sincerity in relationships,” psychologist Elena Kuznetsova tells mothers. - Remember yourself as a daughter: mother’s love is a very important need. By refusing to be friends with your mother, a person loses a lot. But such actions are not done just like that. Usually they are preceded by some kind of resentment, misunderstanding, or something traumatic. And a direct question is hardly enough: “What are you offended by?” In their grievances, people tend to withdraw and isolate themselves. It looks something like this: “Oh, are you doing this to me? Well, I don’t need you anymore, I’ll do without you!” It is precisely these “bases of icebergs” that are most often found in conflicts between mothers and daughters.”
She will succeed
There is no need to fight with your daughter over who is more important and who should dictate to whom. We must endure, wait and wish her happiness. Sometimes you need to be able to remain silent and take on your daughter’s pain. Everything is healed and forgiven by love.
“You are the main person in your daughter’s life,” reminds psychotherapist Ekaterina Krasnikova. - And she really needs you. Resentment will not help restore trust between you. Try to cope with your emotions and take the first step, start a conversation. I think it’s more difficult for her to take the first step. Tell me that you thought you were good, trusting relationship. Ask her what she thinks. She loves you, but she protests (she herself does not fully understand what exactly she is against). Just go up to her and hug her.”
Sometimes the best solution is a time out. Stop trying to fix anything. It's better to just distance yourself from each other and let events take their course. Forget about disagreements and calmly accept everything as it is, without expecting or doing anything. Let your daughter live her life, go through her lessons, and become a truly adult. She will succeed, have no doubt. When she becomes a mature, independent, confident woman and is finally happy, then the relationship with you will definitely improve. You just have to calmly wait for it, believing that it will happen.
Inna Kriksunova, for Fontanka.ru
Over my ten years of practice, I have identified several behavioral problems in children that require immediate parental response.
1. HE INTERRUPTS
Your child is happy about something and wants to immediately talk about it. If you allow him to interfere in the conversation and interrupt you, then you are making it clear that this is permissible. This way you will not teach your child to think about others and look for something to do for himself. The next time your child tries to interrupt you, let him know you are busy. Suggest what he can play. If he continues to get in the way, push him in the right direction.
2. HE IS EXAGGERATING
It all starts with the little things. At first he says that he finished his vegetables, although in fact he barely touched them. This little lie, of course, does not bring much harm to anyone, but still the child’s words do not correspond to reality. You may think this is nonsense, but the tendency to lie can increase over time. True, it is important to remember that at the age of two to four years a child does not yet understand what truth and lies are. Praise children when they tell the truth. Teach them to be honest, even when it gets them into trouble.
3. HE PRETENDS NOT TO HEAR
You should not repeatedly ask your child to put away toys or get in the car. Ignoring your requests on the part of a child is a struggle for power. Over time it will only get worse.
The next time you need to ask your son or daughter for something, walk up to your child and look him in the eyes. Get him or her to respond: “Okay, Mom (Dad).” If your child is watching TV, you can turn it off. If necessary, as a punishment, you can deprive the child of entertainment - for example, reduce the time spent on gadgets from an hour to half an hour.
4. HE IS TOO RUDE DURING GAMES
If your eldest son beats his younger brother, naturally you will intervene. But one cannot turn a blind eye to less obvious manifestations of aggression - for example, if he pushes his brother or ignores him. Such behavior must be stopped in early age, otherwise it will only get worse later. If you allow your child to behave this way, then it is as if you are showing him that it is permissible to hurt others.
Take your son aside and explain to him that you can’t do this. Don't let him play with younger brothers and sisters until he learns to behave properly with them.
5. HE TAKES SWEETS WITHOUT ASKING
This is very convenient when your son or daughter grabs a snack and turns on the TV without disturbing you. When a two-year-old reaches for a cookie on the table, it looks cute. It will look different when, at the age of 8, he or she starts grabbing sweets at a party without permission.
It is important to establish certain rules at home and make sure that children know them well.
I’m 14. I’ve been thinking about suicide in my head for several months now (I’m probably going crazy already). There are terrible problems at school. Friends don't understand, don't communicate with me. Parents don't pay attention. Sometimes I wonder why they gave birth to so many children, if they are not interested in the problems of a single child, they just buy all sorts of gifts, sweets and all that and go for walks. And I really want everything to be like before, when we walked together in the park, went to the cinema, when after school mom and dad picked me up and we went somewhere to eat together. Now if I say or do something wrong, my parents and elder sister they start, “you picked it up from your girlfriends,” “don’t talk to me.” If only I had girlfriends, I could grab something from them. Ingoda I want to tell them, but I’m afraid that they won’t want to listen or there won’t be time again. I don’t see my dad at all, in the morning when I leave he wakes up, when he comes I’m already going to bed. Only on weekends, and then on weekends he tries to get away. Mom discusses everything only with her sister, but it’s as if I’m not in the house, and I’m only the latest to find out everything. I do not know what to do. I really want to run away somewhere
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Di, age: 14/01/09/2016
Responses:
Hello! From your letter it is clear that your parents are too busy with work, housework, and household chores. Try to help them with something! Don’t worry and talk to your mom, tell her how much you want her warmth, attention, agree to go shopping or to the movies together! In fact, sometimes adults forget to simply say kind word, or smile welcomingly, but they are tired, they want to earn you money for food, clothing, study, so it is better to talk frankly and discuss all the problems. Good luck!
Irina, age: 28 / 01/10/2016
Try to find some activity for your soul, sports, handicrafts or something else, there will be less time for resentment and friends with similar interests will appear, your parents love you, don’t doubt it, go to your mother, hug her and tell her that you miss her attention, everything will be fine, you have your whole life ahead of you.
Lisa, age: 40 / 01/10/2016
Hello! There is no need to think about suicide, in any case. These are empty and harmful thoughts. They must be cut off immediately.
You grow up and change. But this does not mean that your parents’ attitude towards you has also changed. They love you just the same as before. It seems to me that you shouldn’t be afraid to come up and have a heart-to-heart talk. You ask mom when she has time to talk. Talk about how you feel. Sharing experiences is okay. Maybe mom was tired, or she had some problems at work, or had a lot of worries. Try to help your mother and participate in household chores. And you definitely need to talk, talk about your desires and experiences. Well, also ask your mother how she is feeling, how to help her, if she is sad.
And then when there are a lot of children, mothers also have all sorts of difficult situations. When everyone wants something from mom, but she’s already emotionally exhausted, and she herself needs someone to take her to the park for sledding.
Try to notice the states of your loved ones. Be interested in what is happening to them. What are they worried about, what worries them.
Well, the comments they make are that they worry about you. They don't want you to become rude or indifferent.
Don't be afraid, everything is fine. But we must talk about everything. Otherwise you are sad, but your mother has no idea that you feel so bad. Or mom is sad, but no one asks her why she is sad.
It's okay, everything will work out.
And with dad, maybe ask to go somewhere together on the weekend. Tell him that you really want to go with him, like before. Say that you miss him and you really miss communicating with him. Be sure to talk about your feelings, then people will understand you better. Don't keep everything to yourself.
Olya, age: 42 / 01/10/2016
Daughter! Well, how cute you are! :)
Well, we all make mistakes, we live in hustle and bustle, we don’t have time. You see, you already understand that you need to be attentive to your loved ones. You are still a child, but as you can see, your parents and sister are gradually starting to treat you like an adult, and you don’t want to part with your childhood, and you don’t want to feel like a child.
You probably used this word with passion. You just want someone to pay attention to you, feel sorry for you, hug you, understand you and regret that you paid little attention and warmth. But you used a bad word, like a curse word. Our brain knows how to throw nonsense out of our heads if we tell it strictly about it and switch our attention to something else, more interesting and important.
I think your parents love you very much and you never want to hurt them too much. Well, if you feel like they don’t understand you at all, try talking to other reliable relatives or teachers at school. But be sincere with yourself! If you are drawn to dramaturgy, then read Russian classics.
You will have a long and colorful life! Your parents themselves will often turn to you for advice, and you will willingly and calmly help them.
Be happy!
