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I have a very difficult situation at the moment. I'm 21 years old, I'm in my last year at university, like my girlfriend. And she really wants to get married right after her diploma. But, in fact, we live separately, our parents help, and there’s not much work in our city. And I don’t think this is a reasonable decision, considering that I’m still in the army. Please tell me how to make a girl think that this is an absurd idea and she needs to wait?
Answer
Brother, friend, dude, buddy, we feel sorry for you, because you are in a difficult situation if your chosen one really insists on getting married. But in this matter, believe the ruined destinies of millions of men (and women too), you must stand your ground. No, we are not marching against marriage as such, although there are many reasons for this. You just always need to think first, and only then do it, since you are... Such a life strategy is now rare. Do those couples who foolishly got engaged and now just tolerate each other live happily? The answer, I think, need not be voiced. But a Russian person can endure for decades, remaining absolutely unhappy. A bad quality that is justified by all sorts of “that’s how everyone does it.”
Unfortunately, your rational arguments, of which there are enough, (lack of work, army, lack of housing) may not solve the problem. And moving in together, living together, when you don’t have any backup plan in the area of finances, or indeed a foundation under your feet, is wildly stupid. Well, the two of you will live in a rented apartment with your parents’ money for six months, a year, then what? Judging by the crisis, there are no more jobs, and marriage is unlikely to contribute to career growth.
And, indeed, the situation is complex. It’s unlikely that your friend will listen to the voice of reason, but we recommend trying your luck again, because we have almost no other options left. Just this time, try to look into the near future, at your life and her life. Your girlfriend needs some kind of confidence in you, and you’re also going to join the army, so she panics, trying to consolidate the relationship with marriage. So make a plan for next years five, which will describe thoughts about a career, relationships with a friend. Think about this whole thing, because you almost have a tower, and you probably have dreams. Condense all the writings into a few points that will solve the main problems that are preventing you from going on a wedding epic, namely: how to find money, where to live, what should I do? Be more thorough in this matter and eventually explain all this to your friend. Don’t persuade her, don’t ask her to wait, but simply confront her with the fact that you need to plan everything in advance, resorting to rationalism, and rationalism will never be on the side of early marriages, although in them.
1. Show her that you can be relied upon. If there is any problem, then solve it, help more often, lend your shoulder when necessary. It's corny, but even simple help, support adds points to you.
2. You are part of her life, which means she won’t get away from you. Try to explain to your friend that you don’t need pieces of paper that testify not to feelings, but to the transfer of these very feelings into the hands of the state.
3. - this, of course, is good, romantic and beautiful, but not if you have neither a home, nor a job, nor money for a colorful honeymoon. The atmosphere decides everything, and without it everything will be a gray formality. If she wants what we see in Hollywood movies, then she will have to wait. Let him understand this.
This question is often asked by men. They are surprised by this desperate female desire to walk down the aisle.
Other times
It would seem that different times have come. The minds of modern men and women are dominated by high technology, the desire to understand the subtle matters of their own ego, and finally, the unbridled heights of career growth...
Women don't worse than men plan their fashionable life. This includes: receiving up-to-date education, traveling to exotic countries, attending breathing yoga classes and much more. They also have a lot of abstract interests that do not foretell any mothball requests.
No technological progress could eradicate the desire for a family from the female sex.
And suddenly, in the midst of all this highly intellectual expanse, “Boom!” and a woman’s cry: “I want to get married!!!”
Yes, there comes a moment in the life of every girl or woman when one day, on her way to work, she sees a couple with a baby in a stroller...
She stops as if struck by thunder, it becomes difficult for her to breathe, a treacherous lump rolls up in her throat and a clear thought arises in her head: “This is what I want.”
Looking back at her recent past, everything seems unimportant and insignificant to her. Success at work, a car earned through sweat and blood, travel to foreign countries, sapphires and diamonds bought with pride - all this turns out to be nonsense compared to the fact that she wants to become a mother and wife.
No technical progress, no emancipation could eradicate from the female sex the desire to create a family home, embedded in our genes hundreds of thousands of years ago.
Women's nature is designed to give love. This is a physiological need to hug and kiss. This is a genetic thirst to care, fuss, and warm your loved ones. And thus, experience happiness yourself.
All this is combined into a simple phrase: “The girl wants to get married.”
It is a wild animal's desire to hold a child to its heart. It is inexplicable and beyond reasonable control. This is what we women are given at the level of instincts.
This is maternal instinct.
This is difficult for men to understand. At the same natural level, they do not experience even a thousandth of this female need to have a child.
And this is the answer to the question: “Why do women want to get married?”
Civil marriage - family surrogate
The men are shocked. It smells like mothballs, it’s “get married.” The trend is cohabitation, erroneously called “civil marriage” (civil marriage is an official marriage registered in the Civil Registry Office), but in fact it is cohabitation. It is modern, relevant, and does not contradict the desire of individuals for personal freedom.
And here lies one funny or sad contradiction. During the last population census, it turned out that in our country married women more than married men. Excuse me, excuse me, how can this be? Explain!
The explanation is simple. This is where the deception of a “civil” marriage is hidden.
Women living in such a union consider themselves married, but men do not! They consider themselves free, because they are not officially married!
Men have gained a strong opinion that “a good deal cannot be called marriage.” Among them there is a craze for frivolous relationships, a desperate avoidance of serious relationships.
Men almost openly play against marriage and family. Drawing them into the social fabric becomes a real art. A rare male specimen is able to reach the registry office.
I have always been incomprehensible to men’s excuses on this topic: “Everything is fine with us. Nothing will change with the official seal.”
Then why not just do it for your woman if it’s important to her? If it doesn't matter to you, go and just do it for her.
But no. Men understand the importance of an official piece of paper.
Note that for some reason these same men have all the other necessary official papers for life: passport, military ID, work book. They are not afraid of the health and pension insurance card. But for some reason the square stamp of the Civil Registry Office on one of the pages of the passport is frightening.
I sincerely believe that men should officially marry the women with whom they live. This is a normal, honest thing to do.
Living together without marriage is like a stone in a man’s bosom
This is especially true for long-term residence. I've seen a lot of couples like this.
The guy had been stalking the girl for more than five years. I received all the benefits from this cozy and convenient union, I reassured my girlfriend. She spent her years and feelings on him, waiting for him to “ripe.” Suddenly it all ended, he left for someone else and quickly got married! So, he was ready, but didn’t want to.
Such cases happen all the time. Sometimes long-term cohabitation does lead to marriage, but soon an official divorce follows, which suggests that there was a wormhole from the beginning.
Life observations show that real sincere serious relationship, leading to marriage, mature within six months to two years.
That is, if you have been dating for more than two years and have not proposed to you, it means that the man does not see you as the woman of his life. It's painful and offensive. But have the courage to admit it to yourself and take a new path.
Clues that this is your man
Your man will want to marry you in the first months of dating. He may not talk about it openly at first. But in his conversations you will hear plans for the future (at least for the next week), and frequent use of the pronoun “we”. These little tips also include getting to know your family and friends. Well, if your man told you in a fit of emotion that he wants a child from you, then my congratulations! He is yours.
The highest degree of trust a man can have in a woman is to make her the mother of his children. It also comes from the Paleolithic. This also smacks of patriarchy and antiquity, and this is true, for real.
Such honest relationships lead to real marriage, it is good to create with them strong family.
The love story of Rostislav Rastropovich and Galina Vishnevskaya
I remember the strong marriage of the great musicians Rostislav Rastropovich and Galina Vishnevskaya. They lived a long, happy married and creative life together.
Rastropovich proposed marriage to Vishnevskaya on the fourth day of their acquaintance. Many years later, during an interview, he was asked what he thought about that hasty proposal. He replied: “I lost four whole damn days.”
These are the words of a real honest, loving man.
I agree, such stories are one in a million. Stories like bright comets in a dark sky. They make you dream and hope.
To get married, you have to stop wanting to get married.
The famous psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky claims that in order to get married, you must stop wanting to get married.
Ancient human wisdom is visible here. A woman who paranoidly longs for marriage is unattractive as a person, since she is limited by her narrow matrimonial interest. She obsequiously looks at any man in the hope that he will become a groom. She agrees in advance to any compromises in order to be called a wife. She is weak and lethargic.
This is where you need to turn off your basic instinct, as Labkovsky calls for. Forget about marriage as the goal of your whole life. And take care of yourself. Work on yourself in every sense of the word. Live life to the fullest, despite your single status.
This improves health and enriches the psychological background of a woman. She transforms externally and internally, becoming more attractive to the opposite sex. Why?
She's not looking. Men feel it. They are relaxed and open, just like a woman.
Therefore, anything can happen to them. And love and marriage.
Men want to get married too!
At some point in life, most men are ready to start a family. I have many thirty-year-old decent guys who dream of getting married. They want to get married and have children. They are remarkably conservative on this issue.
They will never laughingly ask: “Why do girls want to get married?”
Because they know the answer. And they agree with him.
Exactly married. Formulating your “social request” without taking into account feelings, attachments and other circumstances. That is, the beauties want to get married, not love, not a reliable person nearby, not a wonderful and faithful sexual partner for many years, finally! Not the one with whom the financial aspects of life will become more stable, with whom more confidence in the future will come. Even smart, intelligent people quite often dream not of a prestigious education, an enviable career, self-realization in the profession and dizzying personal achievements. When the 21st century provides so many opportunities, intoxicates with so many temptations and attracts with so many prospects that women could not even dream of just 200-300 years ago, why does marriage still remain almost a fixed idea for carriers of two “X” sex chromosomes?
From the point of view of adherents of the teachings of the eminent Swiss psychiatrist Carl Gustav Jung, a similar situation has developed not even over years, but over centuries, during which the position of women disadvantaged in civil rights remained unenviable. In fact, from the lessons of history, we know that ladies had to defend not only their right to vote in difficult social “battles”. For quite a long time, the bourgeois-philistine formula of life prevailed in European countries, known as the rule of the three “Cs” (German Kirche, Küche, Kinder - church, kitchen, children). However, in many low-income families, one employee - a spouse, could not provide for the entire family. After wonderful humanity defended its right to work, for a long time, women working in similar positions received significantly less pay compared to men. At the same time, many professions remained fundamentally inaccessible to women.
Practical and magical advice for those dreaming of marriage. Watch the video!..
In many countries, the first laws protecting animals from cruelty were passed before laws protecting women from domestic violence. In family law, for a long time, the advantage remained with the stronger half. For example, in the event of the death of the head of the family, most of the inheritance could go not to the widow and daughters, but to a distant male relative. In rare cases of divorce, even with proven adultery of the husband or other fault of the spouse, most of the joint property went to the person responsible for the collapse of the family. At that time, a woman could only count on minimal maintenance.
In Great Britain, right up until the beginning of the 20th century, there was a custom, described both in official sources and in literary works: from the end of the 17th century, a man had the right to sell his wife. To do this, on certain days he had to lead her on a leash attached to her waist, or even around her neck, to the local market where an auction was held. As at any other auction, the woman was given to the highest bidder.
However, the fate of an unmarried woman turned out to be much more unenviable. The only fact is that in English language the word "spinster", used in official documents to designate all unmarried, sexually mature women, regardless of age, has a second meaning of "old maid", speaks for itself.
Even most children's fairy tales reflect the same trend. They have a main character: Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Princess Nesmeyana, Vasilisa the Wise or the Swan Princess. Each of the girls necessarily has their own difficulties: an evil stepmother; poisoned spindle; a spell that turned her into a swan or even a frog; depression that strangles a girl in her parents' house or even an evil wizard, Koschey, the Serpent Gorynych or any other embodiment of world evil. And only a man can save the poor thing. Tsarevich Elisha, a handsome prince, an enchanted Miracle Yudo, or, at worst, Ivan the Fool. According to the law of the genre, he will save the young lady from captivity, remove the spell, awaken her with a kiss, punish the anti-heroes, but most importantly, he will come and definitely marry her! Our ancestors, composing legends and tales, saw only this way possible life a woman for whom, in most cases, any other development of events meant either perishing in poverty, or being a hanger-on with relatives, or even worse - earning a mug of ale with a piece of bread and a place to sleep for the night with her body. And thus, from childhood, stereotypes about marriage are ingrained into our consciousness along with the rest of the collective unconscious. All other reasons, as a rule, only fall on fertile ground.
What reasons do the beautiful ladies themselves give for wanting to get married?
1. The desire to start your own family. Most girls who grew up in a complete family, especially if the relationship in this family between parents was partnership-based, trusting, warm, harmonious, dream of creating the same strong and healthy unit of society in their adult lives. Especially, watching how their peers from single-parent families grow up and develop. Often, with a tenacious gaze, noticing that girls raised by single mothers, as a rule, turn out to be less able to create full-fledged family in future. Since, thanks to many years of observation, they inherit the models of social behavior of their mothers.
2. Fear of being alone , is more often characteristic not of young ladies, but of ladies closer to 30 years old, and over thirty. According to psychologists, these are women who spent the first two decades of their adult life on education, a career and the formation of their own personality. Having become independent and self-sufficient, still young, but no longer young, one day they notice that around them there are many younger, fresher-looking, more lively and successful rivals, the number of which is increasing. While the number of promising, interesting, decent, worthy and at the same time free men is catastrophically decreasing. And more and more often, a woman comes to mind, albeit a cynical, but apt saying, according to which “good male dogs are taken apart when they are still puppies.”
3. Mom and dad want grandchildren (grandparents dream of having time to babysit their great-grandchildren) . According to psychotherapists, the desire of parents and other relatives to “marry” adult children, reinforcement of motivation by the need for timely childbearing, often becomes a trigger mechanism that triggers a woman’s own desire to ring her chosen one. However, the representative of the weaker half of humanity is not always completely ready for family life, and even more so for motherhood.
4. Religious beliefs and strict upbringing Currently, they do not often become a trigger for starting a family. However, there is a tendency towards an increase in the number of young people who do not want to “live in sin” without registering an official civil marriage and church wedding.
5. All my friends, girlfriends and acquaintances, including even those younger than me, are already married. Some already twice . Fortunately or unfortunately, man inherited the notorious herd feeling from less developed but socialized animals. The desire for everything to be “like people”, “like decent people” is ineradicable in the minds of many, even very intelligent, educated women and girls different ages. Constant gossip and gossip, questions of varying degrees of delicacy, the main meaning of which boils down to whether she got married, and if not yet, then when she plans, and if she plans, then why not yet, can cause a violent psychological reaction in anyone. Moreover, they are asked by everyone: classmates/fellow students/former colleagues, school teachers randomly met on the street, neighbors, mother’s friends, and even casually familiar people.
6. It will be easier financially for both of us . This is how potential brides most often argue, who not only have to earn their own living, but also rent an apartment. At the same time, we are not necessarily talking about a calculating predator who dreams of catching a billionaire in her snare and making him a millionaire. Average representatives of the middle class, when discussing financial prospects, rely on the more likely possibility of catching a bird in their hands. That is, they see him as an ideal candidate for own hand and the hearts of the same middle class representative, with a stable income, preferably with his own car and, possibly, without housing problems. Otherwise, dividing the cost of renting a home for two people already makes planning a family budget much easier. Rationalism and nothing more.
7. I want a holiday that I would remember for a lifetime! It's no secret that many girls, from childhood, dream about just this: a chic white dress to be better than everyone else, a white limousine, an enchanting feast, gorgeous professional photos, and then a trip to a tropical island, where the ceremony will be repeated on the seashore, against the backdrop of white sand, palm trees and thickets of exotic flowers. Unfortunately, modern research does not give an exact answer to how much the level of costs for organizing a wedding correlates with the duration of the marriage. According to some data, no connection has been identified. Other researchers note that marriages break up more often and faster, just after magnificent celebrations, citing the fact that a union concluded in order to show off in front of relatives and friends cannot be strong and long-term.
8. Childbirth and legal issues . This category brings together a group of reasons. Often a woman wants to get married solely because she wants to have children with her life partner. She feels ready to become a mother. Or she’s simply tired of the problems of contraception, wants to pay less attention to this issue, living by the principle “if I don’t get pregnant, it’s good, if I get pregnant, even better.” Or, the pregnancy has already taken place, and expectant mother organizes what in psychology is called “marriage after marriage.” Most lovely ladies want to formalize their relationship not so much because of the status of their husband’s wife and legitimate child, but due to the lack of legal education, believing that legally a child is better protected socially if family relationships his parents are officially registered.
9. Spouse status. Do you remember an episode from the well-known Eldar Ryazanov film “Garage”? It would seem that times pass, morals change. But even in the 21st century, many women can easily be offended by the position of a “pretty mistress,” while they want to be a legal wife, “before God and people.”
10. Ownership . In the minds of many girls, a ring on a finger and a stamp in a passport are a sign of equal loyalty and belonging to each other. The very tradition of wearing wedding ring is rooted in a legend according to which, a ring worn on ring finger, closes certain energy channels. Which, in turn, on the one hand, prevents connections on the side, on the other hand, fuels sensual passion in the family bed. The ring thus becomes a talisman of the couple’s family happiness; many traditions and signs are associated with it. A woman may not believe in mysticism, superstition and prejudice, but at the level of ancient mechanisms of the subconscious she continues to want to ring her lover, so to speak, to mark her territory, to declare “he is mine.” And now he won’t run away from me. Do you see his ring? Hands off my man! At the same time, at the level of conscious neurophysiology, a lady can perfectly understand that the level of internal freedom, culture of relationships, loyalty and devotion to each other has nothing to do with going to the registry office.
11. I just want to get married . A woman may want to get married for one, several, or even all reasons at once. And not being aware of the reasons for your desire. For her, desire eclipses its origins. And does a woman need to know the reason why she wants to start a family?
If we ignore the dismissive jokes and feminist arguments, as well as the sarcastic arguments of women who have never married and are supposedly happy with their fate, we can conclude that a woman’s desire to start a family and get married is not the funniest, vulgar, stupid thing , irrational or harmful.
Another thing is that the beautiful half of humanity should avoid substituting concepts, and not confuse the official registration of relationships with the relationship itself, family values, marital fidelity, mutual support, understanding and respect for each other, the desire to run a joint household, sharing all daily joys, difficulties and responsibilities for two.
After all, as psychologists say, most wishes come true, you just need to clearly understand what you really want.
I am 29 years old, my girlfriend is 26. We have been dating for three years. A month ago I proposed marriage to her, but she refused me, explaining that she did not want to get married yet. I didn't expect such an answer.
We talked, it turned out that my proposal was too unexpected for her and she needed time to think. A month passed and she still didn’t give me an answer. Recently I returned to this conversation, to which I heard: “I love you, but first I want to become successful, build a career and be free a little longer.”
I can’t understand how a husband can interfere with his development and career? And I don't know what to do. The more she thinks about my proposal, the more I begin to doubt her love.
Olga Son, psychologist:
– There are several reasons why a girl may refuse marriage:
- The girl does not consider the guy as a potential spouse. Perhaps she cannot rely on him or feels a potential threat to her peace of mind with him in everyday life (he is hot-tempered, demanding, aggressive). She may also doubt that he will live up to her expectations. But the girl doesn’t leave this guy because she feels comfortable with him.
- The girl wants to build a career. To be successful as a person, to not depend on anyone and to have the opportunity to leave at any time. And marriage in this case can interfere, since the girl will have to devote part of her time to housekeeping and not to work. The girl is convinced that family life"eats" a woman. But if a man can hire a cook or a cleaner, then the problem will disappear.
- Children. The girl is convinced that marriage means having children. But she doesn’t want to become a mother yet.
In the situation that we are directly considering, the girl outlined her personal boundaries and made it clear to her partner that her career is now primary for her and she is not ready for marriage. In my opinion, if a couple cannot openly find out the presence or absence of love, this indicates that there is no trust between the partners.
Now a man should check the relationship for sincerity or continue to waste time on unreasonable expectations if this suits him.
Maria Weiss, sexologist:
– There is a belief that all girls want is to get married as soon as possible. These exist, but every year there are more and more girls who are in no hurry to go to the registry office.
There are several reasons for this:
- Fear of adulthood. The girl is young and, perhaps, she wants to have fun and enjoy life, and not “cook borscht.” Not all couples are able to share household responsibilities and agree on housekeeping. Therefore, the girl is afraid that after marriage the whole life will fall on her shoulders.
- Unwillingness to part with freedom. Nowadays women are more independent and self-reliant. For many, the chance to get financial well-being It’s not just about getting married successfully. They are looking for like-minded people, not sponsors.
- Doesn't see a future together. A girl can love a man, but if she feels that she will not be happy with him and, most likely, she will not be able to make him happy either. The most important thing is that she admits it.
- Doubts. Perhaps, as soon as the man proposed to the girl, she doubted whether she was ready to spend her whole life next to this man. A man needs to be patient and help the girl deal with her internal conflict.
- Fear that the relationship will deteriorate after the wedding. Perhaps the girl observed something similar in the relationships of her parents or friends. If a man can calm her down, muffle her anxiety, then most likely everything will work out.
If a girl unexpectedly refuses to get married, listen to each other to understand and find out the true reasons for the refusal.
It's not easy to find today good husband, as well as meeting a wife who will be a faithful and reliable support for a man. That is why this article was prepared with answers to frequently asked questions, and the rest can be answered if you write a question in the comments.
I want to get married at 16 years old if I’m not pregnant, but it doesn’t work out what to do
The best option is to wait until you are 18 years old.
How to get married if he doesn’t want to, they don’t take him, there’s no one, where to find a husband
If a man doesn’t want to, it means there are reasons, maybe he doesn’t love you.
If they don’t take it, it means they haven’t met their soul mate yet.
No one? You need to urgently look for a husband, change something in your life, move, change jobs, it’s better, of course, to where more men. Find a club that interests you.
I want to get married quickly, and for a long time, only to a rich man, and not work, what should I do?
In order to marry a rich person, communicate in circles where they exist. To please successful person you need to represent yourself as something. For some, good looks are enough, while others want an intelligent wife.
I don't want to get married, I want to be free, is that normal or not?
This is normal until you meet your person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life.
How to get married for a woman over 30, 40, 50 with children
It’s difficult to get married after 30, but it’s possible. You can try dating sites.
I want to get married and start a family with a businessman, who should I pray to and how?
Oh, blessed Matrona, hear me. Help me meet a rich and successful man. Help him fall in love with you. Help create a strong family with him. Amen.
I want to get married this summer, once and for the rest of my life, what should I change about myself?
Change your appearance, hairstyle or clothing style.
How to marry a Ukrainian citizen to a Russian, pros and cons
The mentality of Russian and Ukrainian men is no different. The only downside is that you have to leave your home country and start new life without relatives. The advantages are a more stable life than in Ukraine.
How to marry a wealthy man with children, second marriage
First you need to get to know such a man and like him.
How to get married with a disabled child from a first marriage, a teenager, Litvin’s advice
Litvin advises baking bread without the help of a baker. In the wardrobe, use skirts, dresses, exclude trousers.
He asked me to marry him, and I agreed, but fell out of love, what should I do? Father’s answer
If you have not yet gotten married and registered, give up this sin. Marry only the one you love.
Why are women single, brunettes and blondes, married and unmarried?
In their youth, many women are too picky, and later they regret that they did not marry their suitors. Don't go through it for too long. Regardless of hair color, all women in marriage behave differently.
Why am I lonely in my personal life and no one needs me, commentary from a psychologist
Become a self-confident, interesting person. Take care and monitor your appearance. Love and begin to respect yourself, then those around you will begin to love and notice you. Men like such women.
