Tired of constant scandals with your husband, threatening family happiness?! find out valuable advice, allowing you to nip any conflict situations in the bud!
Quarrels between spouses are by no means a rare phenomenon and, unfortunately, even the most ideal couples are susceptible to it. Although the reasons for disagreements are different for each family, one thing remains unchanged - they should never be ignored.
Sooner or later, minor fights will develop into violent clashes, and the grievances left after them can forever bury the hope of joint happiness.
Why do conflicts arise in the family?
The most common reasons why people living together begin to quarrel include:
- Different ideas about family life . If for a wife an exemplary life is quiet everyday life and tireless work for the benefit of the newly created unit of society, and for a husband it is a continuous holiday consisting of trips to nightclubs and get-togethers with friends, disagreements are inevitable. The problem can only be solved by lowering the bar of expectations and agreeing to mutual concessions.
- Modest budget. Waking up every morning with the awareness of your own poverty is not very pleasant. Spouses, tired of denying themselves everything, gradually become irritable and begin to blame each other for financial failures. There can be only one way out of the situation - an active search for a higher-paying job.
- Alcoholism or drug addiction. Having decided to throw in your lot with a person with a pathological addiction, you can forget about peace for a long time. Such people are characterized by sudden mood swings, poor health and a disgusting habit of dragging everything that is “bad” out of the house. The only way to influence them is to carry out an effective course of treatment.
- Treason. Unfortunately, even an official stamp in a passport does not guarantee marital fidelity. Having caught a loved one cheating, you can and even need to give vent to your emotions, but after shouting enough, you need to figure out what motivated him. If it is a banal thirst for new sensations, then this can still be dealt with; it is much more difficult if he has met a new love.
- Indifference towards children. Many people, seeing this point, will be surprised: “well, how can you not love your child?!” In fact, what we are talking about here is a reluctance to actively participate in his upbringing. By the way, the most common sin of this is fathers, who mistakenly believe that since they bring money to the family, everything else is the mother’s lot.
- Rare sex. Having been married for several years, it is quite difficult to maintain the former ardor. At first, sex goes from daily to weekly, and then one of the partners begins to evade the fulfillment of marital duties in every possible way. The consequences are quite predictable: reproaches, insults and attempts to convict the draft dodger of treason.
- Lack of help around the house. Daily household chores are a thankless task, especially if they are completely entrusted to one person. Fatigue accumulated from endless household chores will make itself known through attacks of aggression and nervous breakdowns. Such troubles can only be avoided by a fair distribution of responsibilities.
- Different faith. Religious intolerance, sweeping victoriously throughout the world, is increasingly penetrating families, forcing two loving people conduct long theological debates. The only advice that can be given in this case is to respect each other’s faith and then happiness will reign in the house.
- Bad habits. When falling in love, people lose the ability to sensibly evaluate the actions and behavior of the object of their passion. Loves to eat in bed? Wonderful! Does he smoke without leaving the house? Better! However, euphoria cannot last forever and with its disappearance, discontent appears on the scene, accompanied by irritable reproaches.
- Heightened self-esteem. There can be no peace in a family where one spouse a priori considers himself better than the other. Full of complacency, he will demand preferential treatment, and not getting what he wants, he will throw hysterics and threaten divorce, which will most likely end the matter.
The Art of Argument
Many quarrels are provoked by a situation where one person makes claims and accusations, and the other vigorously tries to dispute them.
To prevent a minor confrontation from developing into a large-scale battle, you need to behave as follows:
Fine
- control emotions;
- do not resort to insults;
- maintain an even, calm tone;
- focus on oxygen therapy (breathe deeply);
- remember that the word is not a sparrow;
- count to 10, or even better to 20, before “hitting where it hurts”;
- take water into your mouth and wait for your opponent to “let off steam.”
Badly
- start screaming;
- negatively evaluate any actions of the spouse;
- use phrases starting with the words “you always”, “you forever”, “you never”;
- use expressions like “your whole family is so crazy/crazy/inadequate.”
- sob loudly, turning into a hysterically screaming woman;
- present ultimatums;
- sort things out in public.
How not to quarrel with your husband
Ceremonial family quarrel
If you are ready to quarrel with your husband every minute and simply don’t know how to stop yourself, take on board the experience of ceremonial quarrels.
Their meaning is that spouses cannot quarrel until they perform a certain ritual. For example, they won’t wear identical bathrobes stored in the farthest corner of the apartment. In general, there can be a lot of options: they won’t pick up ski poles, they won’t cook a herring under a fur coat, they won’t jump over a ball, they won’t wash the dishes. The main thing is to really not allow yourself to “fight” until the ritual is followed. Many couples who use this method admit that they have long ceased to conflict properly.
Family life is like a stormy river with dangerous rapids and unpredictable flows. It is not easy to control the fragile little ship of home well-being; at any moment you can capsize and go under water.
However, truly loving couples will always find their a safe haven, if they learn to neglect grievances and support each other in every possible way!
Video: Quarrels in the family. How to find a common language with your husband
If Love has not faded away, it copes with trials, it happens that it even ignites, as if from that very spark a flame. When Love leaves, irritation comes, and it is not capable of fighting problems, but can only accumulate them and cool down the “weather in the house.”
I will give a list of “misfortunes” that cause “earthquakes” and “volcanic eruptions” to occur in relationships:
Incorrect distribution of roles in the family.
- Wrong attitude of one of the partners towards the other.
- Differences in outlook on life.
- Sexual crises, disappointments in a partner.
- Interference of the parents of one or both spouses in the affairs of the “children.”
- Addictions (drugs, alcohol, gambling, chronic infidelity).
- Diseases (mental, incurable physical, mental). The need for all family members to adapt to a bedridden patient or a character who drank away the TV yesterday.
- The struggle for power and dominance in the family.
- Communication problems in general (mistrust, fear, lack of intimacy and frankness).
A couple meets, “grinding in” begins, each shows his “presentation video”, tells who he is, what he likes and what he doesn’t like. Expresses his needs and hopes, asks questions, important and not so important.
Have you ever heard a person entering into a romantic relationship say: “Over time, I will develop such and such disgusting traits, I will begin to get fat, gradually become an alcoholic and beat you up viciously?” No! Nobody ever! The desire to be liked initial period supported in all situations. This is the period of celebration of the peacock!
At the beginning of a relationship, unwanted manifestations in the behavior of a loved one cause a slight chill of discontent, and as it rolls down the mountain of time, the cold lump turns into a thundering avalanche. The first disappointment befalls us when we begin to understand that Heaven gave love as a gift, and it gives love on credit. And in order to develop it further into the relationship between spouses and parents, you need to endlessly invest money, time, health, money, heart, soul, feelings, attention and affection...
Here she is, FIRST REASON quarrels between lovers: as a rule, the one who loves more in “Spring” is stingy with all of the above.
“In the summer,” he also becomes the “author” of claims and reproaches at the height of relationships, at the peak of passions. In the difficult “Autumn Times of Love,” the initiative passes to the one who is having a harder time in the relationship, and reproaches and dissatisfaction begin to pour in from him. He feels that in “Winter” he is destined to be left alone, and thus begins to protest.
After a divorce, during the “Winter Cold” period, resentment settles in the soul of the abandoned person that even that little warmth and attention was taken away from him, which, perhaps, was underestimated at a time when something could still be corrected.
Again, “We don’t keep what we have”... And here the best solution is to decisively remove marketing from relationships, stop the flow of “mutual pains, troubles and insults” and remember the saying of the sages: “No better friend than a wife,” and give everything, and a little more, until such time as one “breathes” in the direction of this person. Love will not turn into hatred if we are able to wake up and see that it is time to immediately stop the “fountain” of reproaches and accusations.
Insults and scandals are a disastrous ground for self-affirmation! In the desire to “drown” another, a person does not see how he himself is drowning! This is a war without a winner. Someone will say that troubles and misfortunes in the family come from the wrong choice of a partner. But there are no completely wrong choices, because some qualities in a partner suit us, but not all of them irritate us.
THE SECOND REASON quarrels: a question of leadership in a couple. If lovers are happy, then they are inferior to each other, they have nothing to share and there is no reason to “puff out their cheeks.” Everyone is the “main” in something of their own, irreplaceable and unique.
Closer to the middle phase of marriage, a revaluation of each other suddenly begins, misunderstanding occurs, dissatisfaction with the partner occurs, the ability to “hear” each other disappears, and the inability to reach an agreement. There is already a full-fledged crisis here. family relationships. And now one flaunts his opinion as a flag, and the other condescendingly, as “wiser,” agrees to concessions, “just to keep it quiet.” Compromise is no longer the goal, consensus in opinions is still possible, but more often, as I already said, one of the two consciously makes concessions, driving the problem into a chronic state...
Demands, claims and reproaches, ultimatums, sobs and screams are the main manifestations of the “Autumn of Love”. And then our cultivated plant, instead of juicy and tasty fruit, produces the seed of discord. He and she begin to find out: who slept more, who was more tired, who had the main responsibilities, who achieved more in life. Until one suppresses the other with his dominance, there will be no satisfaction from victory over a partner. It becomes more difficult for those who have a greater need for love, for whom it is more important to preserve the relationship. That is why he gives in more often.
The ancients said: “A truly loving person does not strive for power; a flawed and calculating person strives for it.” As long as there is tenderness and feelings, someone alone is in the lead and there are always fewer conflicts. This happens at the beginning of any relationship. In harmoniously developed feelings, a floating or flexible system of relationships usually develops.
Closer to the “cold season in Love,” there are fewer and fewer concessions, and more and more complaints.
THIRD REASON quarrels: not the least place in the conflicts is occupied by the rather prosaic topic of the Family Budget. Everyone understands that money is fertilizer for our growth. They require a prudent attitude and control. In a family, it is necessary to regulate income and expenses, and how this happens is in many ways an indicator of family relationships.
Typically, couples choose joint, shared and separate budget types. But what if you work hard and try to combine all these types, creating three different piles of money in different places?
The first pile of money is a joint wallet, each of the couple takes part in replenishing it, and decisions are made jointly on how to spend the money. It is very convenient for people with the same earnings or families where one is dependent (even fifty years ago no one would even have thought that it could be a man, but nowadays, alas, this no longer sounds so shocking, and many the usual norms have ceased to be unshakable!). And yet, more often than not, the wife does not work.
Having a common wallet eliminates the need to explain every time why exactly this amount is needed for the household. This also protects her from thinking about the topic: “again he did not give money for the needs of the family, for paying for utilities, for the doctor and for the child’s teachers. Is he greedy or inconsiderate, insensitive or sadistic? So, there is no need for huge amounts of money in a joint wallet. There may be a piece of paper and a pencil with which to record the amount taken by each person. The child can take the money from there, making sure to report on what it was spent on. Such openness prevents many parents from blatantly and unaccountably “borrowing” from their own wallets.
So we smoothly move on to the second pile of money, distributed among “individual pockets.” Does a non-working family member (woman or child) need to allocate funds for living? Need to. Payment for mobile phone, breakfast, travel - all this is considered and issued for the week. This approach allows the dependent to learn how to properly manage funds and not require daily subsidies.
If you don’t like something, save money or go to work! Only in this case, the “stash” of saved funds does not turn into a serious deception, that is, it is personal money, and not hidden to the detriment of the family. When the earner is no longer appreciated, thanked, asked for or praised, the “money toad” comes to him. It seems dishonest to the breadwinner that he gives every penny to the family, trying to be open and honest. And if his contribution to the family budget begins to be taken for granted, he may begin to take offense. And there is also a completely indecent situation when the idle people at home also manage to reproach them - they say, he could have brought more!
In order not to bring the situation to such an absurdity or to establish rules for spending funds, all these points should be discussed in advance and not hushed up. Joint decisions related to spending and storing funds are an indicator that the spouses do not manage finances.
The third pile is the family piggy bank. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a bank account or a safe deposit box, a home safe or a plastic bag taped behind a picture - the main thing is that “we are all saving money together!” It could be a house, a car, or someone’s education, or even a “rainy day” - it doesn’t matter. It is important that “we” and that “together”!
An amicable solution is a good indicator of the solution to a financial issue in the family, and blackmail with money is the desire to suppress, solve one’s problems and complexes at the expense of a loved one.
FOURTH REASON to sort things out - non-compliance with moral principles. Couples are often destroyed due to violations of marital fidelity and family ethics. This point is always a reason for scandal and rebellion. Only in “Winter,” when there is nothing else to swear about, does everyone involved in the divorce see the pointlessness of claims and excuses. This also includes emerging hostile feelings - hatred, dissatisfaction, irritation, often due to the contradictory nature of a person’s feelings. When you are dissatisfied with your partner, you find reasons to find fault in everything. Everything irritates: manners, behavior in everyday life, character traits, personality traits. “You’re not standing like this, you’re not lying here!”
At the beginning of a relationship, usually one of the couple distances himself, takes time to “blow off steam,” and in the long run living together problems of psychological compatibility crawl out like cockroaches on a white sheet. One behaves negatively, the other also “grows” hostility in himself.
I can recommend an attitude to control your own emotions and irritation. It is important to learn to accept your spouse’s personality traits as an objective reality, to understand that much cannot be changed. I recommend that at the very beginning of the relationship you take a close look at your future marriage partner, and after the wedding close your eyes to many things.
"No! Never!" - the main slogan of wives and husbands in the “Autumn Season of Love.” The desire to contradict and object is a beacon suggesting that love is leaving. It is important to consciously maintain the desire for unity.
Hot anger, cold anger, restrained anger - everything is bad. Try to both “hold your tongue,” “bite your lip,” take water into your mouth, and count to ten or one hundred. I recommend that you clarify every time what made you angry, and ask what exactly the noisemaker wants.
REASON FIFTH: Two loving people may have conflict under stress due to differences in needs and attitudes towards life. Achievements in the profession and career growth do not guarantee success in your personal life. I will say more: more often than not, it is career growth that alienates lovers from each other! So in this regard, you should be very careful and attentive, “not forget,” as they used to say.
Dealing with common problems together and remaining polite is very difficult. The most difficult thing is to find commonality in the differences, that which connects and unites. Those who have not quarreled do not need to reconcile. Agree that you will not swear, that there will be no screams or conversations at high decibels in your house. If your loved one does what he promised after five reminders, if he forgets about holidays and your dates and all the homework rests entirely on your shoulders, and his life goes according to your orders - say OUT LOUD that you need help. Let him know that without his opinion and desire it will be very difficult for you! Otherwise, you risk soon turning into a “commander in a skirt” or a “baby-woman.” Distribute responsibility in advance, agree “on shore”!
SIXTH REASON FOR DISCOVERY: vain expectations. Irritation and resentment come when your partner does not do what you would like. He will certainly voice his complaints. Children on psychological treatment They often complain that their parents yell at them and insult them in irritation. And in the human psyche, over time, the so-called “reading” occurs, that is, the essence of the conversation and its reason disappears, leaving forever in memory only a scream and a face twisted with anger.
If you need something special, if you need to be understood this way and not otherwise, you should talk about it precisely and directly, without forcing your partner to make guesses. Tell him what you exactly want. If he does not listen to your words, then look for other ways to present information, think about the reasons, ask yourself questions and answer them. For example, tell him: “I want to talk because it’s very important” or demand that he listen to himself. He ignores problematic situations? Doesn't want to fulfill his obligations? Don't feel sorry for yourself all the time by continuing to be inactive. Don’t throw around impossible threats, don’t throw mud at him. If your words and actions do not lead to the desired result, then begin to look at it, or rather, at your life differently: will it go with Him or without Him?
REASON SEVEN: insults and insults. Express your feelings rather than suppress them. If you insulted me, sit down and cry. Say that you are offended by jokes about weight and name calling. You need to make it clear to your to a loved one, how his words and actions affect your sense of self. “Don’t put me below the plinth! Your words are very unpleasant to me,” “Did you at least get pleasure from the fact that you casually offended me again?”
When you want to make peace, it is important that both are satisfied with the outcome of the reconciliation. One will give in to end the showdown in the house. He will remain silent, but the cause of the conflict will not go away! It will still emerge someday in the form of a very unusual scandal (we don’t expect a loud expression of will from the “quiet” ones!) and even divorce! You cannot put pressure on your partner’s conscience or emotions, raise your voice, or refuse to listen. The most important task is to come to an agreement with yourself and understand: “It won’t always be the way I want!” If one is silent, the other may be mistaken in believing that silence is a sign of consent.
There is no need to consider who was more right. Remove the words “never” and “always” from your vocabulary (especially during “showdowns”). Say: “You don’t have to solve this problem now, but I ask you to listen to me, I think the decision needs to be made together.” Don’t be shy to admit that you’re wrong if you’re unfairly accused; tell him: “I’m sorry, I’m ashamed, you’re right, this is my oversight.” People with a positive self-image are not inclined to demonstrate their superiority and do not try to hurt or humiliate others. The stereotypical attitude of partners “this is how it should be” often underlies misunderstandings and dissatisfaction with each other.
There are Women who are confident that they must remain proud, intransigent and cold. Do not lose your dignity, do not show participation or interest in any situation. Even if the husband is not happy with his success, he has reduced his sex activity or (God forbid!) funding.
She sees herself above “world problems”, she is beyond everyday life and everything worldly! She is a mysterious Stranger - “breathing spirits and mists...”, woven from dreams. She is a gift, a flower that needs to be cherished and cherished! And of this, she is convinced, is the main goal of a man’s life, that is, to serve and please her, blindly bowing in endless admiration, and she will condescendingly accept these honors, since she is sure that she was born only for them. And she doesn’t need to know all the affairs and other “baseness” of the material world - let... this... what’s his name? Husband…
And then one day this “what’s his name?... husband” gets tired of keeping an ice doll - he simply goes to a normal earthly woman and finds his normal human happiness even in the way his chosen one looks at him, joyfully eating freshly prepared cabbage soup.
We thank the IG “AST” for providing an excerpt from Natalia Tolstaya’s book “Love: from dusk to dawn. Resurrection of feelings".
anonymously
Hello! I am 23 years old, I have a child. My husband and I argue almost every day. Everything starts small. My big problem with my husband is his laziness. As soon as he comes home from work, he immediately sits down at the computer, although he is at work all day, working on it. He practically doesn’t play with the child, doesn’t go for walks, and has completely forgotten about household chores. And he doesn’t devote time to me either. Although "marital duty" is present. When I start presenting all this to him, I explain that he is also a member of the family, and not a separate existing person, huge aggression is flying in my direction, there is no censorship, etc. In scandals there are also fights, after which I generally want getting a divorce... My husband boils it down to the fact that he works and is tired, although I know that he sits all day and doesn’t even unload the bags! In short, I do everything myself! Doctor, tell me what can be done in such a situation? Tell right choice?
Hello! How long has this been going on for you? How many years have you been married? How has he changed in his marriage? Write in detail what you want him to do, and what you are ready to forgive him and do yourself, i.e. an ideal picture in your opinion? Does he raise his hands at Aas or do you also give him physical rebuff? I'm waiting for a more detailed description.
anonymously
At first there were quarrels, then when I became pregnant, scandals and reproaches began. But they made up quickly. But when the child was born, my life turned into stress and a nightmare! At first, my husband helped, but then the housework and child care fell on me. Nobody helps me with the child, because... We live alone, our parents are in another city. It’s a little difficult to deal with all this! Because of this, there were scandals, name-calling, even assault, and more than once! As soon as everything calms down, the husband begins to make peace, says that he loves! And so, every time, everything goes in circles! we are almost 2 years old life together, and if I look back at the year behind me, it’s sad for me, because... There was nothing good about him, just scandals and stress. I don’t need much from my husband, just to help me around the house and with the child, so that I can have some kind of rest!
Hello! From the very beginning you had problems in the relationship and you closed your eyes, put up and did not draw conclusions, what did you hope for. I don’t want to upset you, but what you have now is also your mistake, you certainly didn’t deserve such a fate, but you yourself provoked such an attitude towards yourself, allowing the same problems to be repeated and solved in the same way. Having a child for such men is not a solution to a problem or a push to change and be better. On your part, you need to learn to respect yourself and radically change the situation. I didn’t see that you want your husband to stop raising his hand against you or anything like that. You just want to rest sometimes... Yes, you are tired both mentally and physically, the baby takes a lot of time and effort. Get together, think about everything, and of course you need to talk to your husband and learn to defend yourself and not allow physical influence, this is not acceptable. Soon the baby will begin to understand everything and accept the model of the parents’ relationship. Learn to respect yourself and teach your husband! I don’t quite understand what it means when everything is settled, the husband begins to make peace??? He swears, raises his hand, and after everything he good mood and he puts up with you??? How can anyone put up with him and this, and it’s only been 2 years since the wedding, and what can he afford next?? Think about the future the day before.... Good luck to you.
Hello! I beg you to help me, as I am completely confused. Perhaps I'll start from the very beginning to make it clear...
I am 25, my husband is 21 years old. After 8 months of dating, we had a luxurious wedding (practically with my parents’ money, his family also helped a little). My father sent us on our honeymoon, everything was fine....I have 2 educations, one of them is a higher education degree in law, and he has a secondary specialized degree in electrical engineering. I already have 6 years of experience, he simply doesn’t have it. After his honeymoon it was assumed that he would find a job, but it was not there. No one saw the desire; no one wanted to cut it. I have my own business (not a huge one, of course, but enough for bread, butter and cheese), so we didn’t need money. We live in my 2-room apartment, my dad in the next two-room apartment. After the trip we learned about pregnancy. We started renovating the apartment and hired workers. My father said: “Seryozha, you don’t have to work for now while the repairs are going on, since Vika is in a state and it’s hard for her to cope with construction dirt and a selection of building materials.... Dad is a fairly wealthy and accomplished man who loves his daughter madly. Husband, Of course, he agreed. Nobody saw any special help, everything was crazy and screaming, everything was under pressure. He really likes to sleep, naturally he doesn’t like to wake up early, and here there is constant noise and dirt, everything started to infuriate him. and without. In April 2012, I gave birth to a son, I thought that this would at least somehow affect him and he would change his attitude towards me, no, I didn’t even try to go to the maternity hospital myself, by taxi, as he was packing his things. to leave the house again (he did this at every quarrel). When I arrived at the maternity hospital, he rushed over with an apology and forgave me for some time, without working anywhere. Then he started going to the garage. shakers likes to work on cars). I began to be indignant... You don’t work, you stopped helping around the house, you always don’t like something, you’re always yelling in front of a newborn child.... And then I found myself a drinking wife. And it’s always like that now. Once I hit him hard on the head, as he explained because I hit him in the face. But I would never have hit him if he hadn’t started grabbing me. He left again. Doesn't answer calls or SMS. Now the child is already 8 months old, and nothing has changed. Without exaggeration, there are scandals every day. My father and I asked him to take over our business and be the caretaker of the building (we rent out premises). His duties included: sprinkling sand at the entrance when it was slippery, screwing in burnt-out light bulbs somewhere, in general, little things. But he had to be at his work place from 10 to 18. No! And we can’t do this, because getting up at 9.30 is a disaster! With obscenities, with shouts at me. Why am I such and such not letting him sleep. This Friday, the scandal began because of such a small thing that it’s difficult to think of anything smaller. Because of cigarettes. I asked him to bring me cigarettes. To which he told me that he doesn’t have them either. I never forbade him to use my card, but this time I simply asked him again: “What’s next, that you don’t have cigarettes?” In response: “Yes, no fucking way, I don’t even have money! I won’t smoke, and neither will you!” It’s funny and makes me want to cry. All this is with my son. Then he ran for his cell phone and started yelling where he was. I couldn’t stand it anymore and started answering him too. That it’s time for him to see a psychiatrist. He started grabbing me and shaking me. I told him to pack his things and get out, that he would never see me or my son again. I will file for divorce and will raise the issue of depriving him of his birth rights. I later apologized, but this time I stood my ground. He packed up and left.
I love him madly and don’t want to get a divorce. I want people to just understand that I don’t need much. Only peace in the family. But he can't talk calmly. I worry about my son’s psyche, because he sees all this.
I beg you very much, do not advise me to get a divorce. I do not want it. I really want him to come back, but how can I deal with his constant aggression?! Help me please. It’s hard without him, I have no strength.If we analyze your message, the key decisions in your family with your husband are made by your dad. Key decisions in the family are made by the Head of the family. This role is in the strong hands of your father. The husband, according to documents, is actually a lover, this is in best case scenario, at worst - your and your dad’s eldest teenage son, disobedient, difficult.
